Thursday, September 13, 2007

Thirteen Celebs That Need Some Serious Help

Thirteen Celebs That Need a PR Intensive, Real Rehab,
a Good Butt-whipping, or a Roll of Duct Tape - You Choose
  1. Britney Spears - I won't elaborate on the reasons here as they are known to the entire free world. However, I honestly feel sorry for this melted down mess of a former pop star. I'm gonna give Brit the Trifecta - Real Rehab (plus mental health counseling); a Good Butt-Whipping for not putting her kids anything close to first; and a PR Intensive. "Repeat after me: A day where I'm not the headline on OK! Magazine or ET (Entertainment Tonight) is actually a good day."
  2. Owen Wilson - He is seriously weird and quite often funny. I wish him only the best and I hope that he gets Real Rehab and mental health counseling. Why do we lose so many of our best comedians to overdose and suicide? I hope Owen makes a splendid recovery.
  3. Michael Vick - He gets a good butt-whipping for his horrible treatment of living, breathing beings and throwing away a promising and lucrative NFL career and endorsment deals. A PR Intensive for giving his own fans the finger. Oh, and probably some time in the pokie, to boot.
  4. Lindsey Lohan - I still like to remember her as the cute little redhead in Parent Trap. It's easier that way. Grown-up Lindsey also earns a Trifecta: Real Rehab, a good butt-whipping, and a PR Intensive.
  5. Dina Lohan - Here we're going to upgrade to a good ass-whipping for being more concerned about riding her daughter's coat tail to fame than about saving her daughter and a roll of duct tape to keep her off the air waves.
  6. Tom Cruise - I love your work, Tom. I really do. I even loved Far & Away. But, seriously, sometimes less is more. So please try to stay low-key for a while. And no jumping on the furniture. You get a PR Intensive, a roll of duct tape, and pair of Prince's [high-heel] boots.
  7. Isaiah Washington - Here's something I need for grown folks to understand: You don't have to say everything you think out loud. It's cute on toddlers, unless they've acquired a taste for profanity. On grown folks, not so cute. That goes for many of the following celebs, as well. Isaiah gets a roll of duct tape, a PR Intensive, and long-term diversity training.
  8. Rosie O'Donnell - A serious case of diarrhea of the mouth. She gets a roll of duct tape, a PR Intensive, and a good butt-whipping. Please note: I'm not against free-spirits or being outspoken. But, both can be done without getting into a catfight with every celeb in the free world.
  9. The Donald - Am I the only one annoyed by people who are not broke and still look a hot mess? I digress. A man of Donald's wealth and business acumen should not feel the need to jump in the pig pen and duke it out with some attention-grabbing celeb. Seriously Donald, you're too big for that. What would Bill Gates do? Donald gets a roll of duct tape and a new hair stylist. Seriously.
  10. Kanye West - Let me say first, I believe that the man is a musical genius. I've been a fan of his music and he puts on one hell of a concert and charges a price that REAL PEOPLE can actually afford. I respect that. However, I'll need to ask you to leave some of the crying and whining for the babies. I'm not even saying that you're always wrong. It is primarily your method of delivery (and your super-sized ego). Take a cue from other social activists who speak out without losing credibilty. Bono can get an audience with the heads of nations at the snap of a finger. But, he still had the integrity to make this video with Greenday criticizing the way Bush handled Hurricane Katrina. And we all love him for it. You will have a mobilizing effect on the hip-hop culture when you master the art of persuasion and learn to temper your intense passion with restraint. You get a roll of duct tape, a spanking, and a PR Intensive.
  11. Paris Hilton - The entitled rich kid thing is getting old. I'm glad to see Paris - though not abandoning her partying ways - has seemed to settle down a bit and seems to be getting over her Paparazzi addiction. Just in case, we'd better give her a PR Intensive.
  12. Kathy Hilton - She gets a butt-whipping for blaming the court, the media, and everyone except her DUI-collecting daughter.
  13. George W. - We're going to give him a PR Intensive, a public-speaking course, an emergency roll of tape anytime he's impelled to say something that will get turned into a WTF? sound byte, relationship counseling (starting with the lesson on how to say, I'm sorry. I was wrong) and some dance lessons. Though watching this video still cracks me up.

What do you think?

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Ann Aguirre said...

Some of those folks really do need an intervention or a good come-to-Jesus talk. Some of them I feel sorry for. Owen, for example. It makes you wonder what he was going through that led him to think that was his best (or only?) way out.

Angela/SciFiChick said...

Yeah.. that Owen Wilson craziness was a surprise to me. I'm a big fan and hope he can get some serious help!

Carrie Lofty said...

Can't really argue with any of those! Thx for stopping by.

Moondancer said...

Okay after seeing Bush dance I think I'm the one who needs the therapy.

Xakara said...

I still don't know enough about Owen's situation, but can't argue that he could use some help.

Everyone else on the list most certianly needs someone with a good ear and/or an Rx pad to help them out.

~Xakara <---------Please use this link (or copy/paste below) to find my TT.

Lisa Andel said...

Well damn, I'm glad I stopped by here. I have to agree with everyone else about Owen. But the others? What is wrong with these people that fame and fortune isn't enough?

George W. sure does have some moves on him doesn't he?

Destined for Greatness said...

This was too cute!

dgibbs said...

Glad I found this post. It's celeb problems like these that make me glad I have a simple life.

Michelle O'Neil said...

OMG! This post was so funny.

-Spears wouldn't know of putting her kids first since her own parents pimped her out at such a young age.

-I don't get "Prince's boots?"

"Am I the only one annoyed by people who are not broke and still look a hot mess?" - I'm rolling!

and....the dancing W.?

Thanks, I needed that.

Don said...

I think you're being too hard on Kanye. What's wrong with him expressing himself? It's not like he will be able to please everyone anyways. Plus, he is a successful black man in America. Think about that for a sec.

Samara Leigh said...

Again, I'm not against free spirits who speak out. A lot of my favorite people are celebs who do speak out. But, bitching about not opening SOMEONE ELSE'S SHOW, not winning an award and disrespecting the winner - the infamous Gretchen Wilson incident - detracts from all that he has achieved.

I LOVE that he's a successful black man. But guess what? So are Jay-z, Kevan Hall, P-Diddy, Russell Simmons, Dr. Dre, Samuel L. Jackson and a host of others. Each of them speak their minds, too. But, they man-up and nix the whining.

Who are you going to listen to more - somebody whining about how they didn't get to go first or win AGAIN, or someone who can calmly and intelligently explain their position on an issue?

All I'm saying is he will be more of a force when he can put it all together.

~Virginia~ said...

I agree with each and every one!! Fabulous! I have a hard time feeling sorry for celebrities though...I mean, they have PR people to nip that stuff in the bud, don't they? You'd think after 1 or 2 incidents they'd start to catch on.

Don said...

Well, since you put it that way ... maybe Kanye could have chose better words to voice his concerns about being overlooked.

I still feel where he is coming from though. The fact remains how he is the number one rap artist in America. And he is one of the hottest producers as well. It would have seemed that he would win at least ONE award. At least one.

Maybe the fact that Britney Spears stunk so bad brought on 'Ye's blunt remarks. But Kanye has been labeled as an angry black man -- a label which I think he has foolhardedly embraced.